A Very Serene Christmas
by Jonn Wood
Summary: The crew spends their holiday doin' some charity work.


Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.  
-_Matthew 5:16_

Note: For the purposes of this story, Wash survived Serenity, and River is co-pilot.

* * *

They were on St. Albans when Kaylee saw the pine forest in the distance. A few quiet words, and a few hours later Mal and Jayne proudly rose in on the mule with a small pine slung across it's back like some prize of the hunt.

"It's awful small," Kaylee said doubtedly.

"You wanted a tree, right?" said Jayne. "'Sides, we gotta leave room for cargo."

Wash looked around at the empty bay as he helped Book manhandle the pine off. "Really?"

"Yep," said Mal. "It'll be here any minute now."

There was a squeal from Kaylee, and she leapt up and threw her arms around the Captain. "I can't believe you got me strawberries!" said the engineer, kissing Mal on the cheek.

"Well, 'tis the season for spendin',' Mal muttered. He cleared his throat. "We're headin' to Saint Timothy's in fifteen, people. All who want to stay behind can do so. I cannot be held responsible for what happens to your possessions if you leave them alone with Jayne."

"Hey!" Jayne paused. "Wait..."

"I'll get it!" said River, and walked to the hatch. Mal exchanged puzzled glances with the nearest person, who was Inara.

"Get wh-"

_Knock knock_.

"Oh."

River stepped through the hatch. Everyone heard a few words being exchanged, then the hatch locked, and River stepped through the doorway with a big red sack almost as big as she was.

"Gorramit, Santa, you lost weight," Jayne sniggered.

It wasn't a particularly red sack. In fact, it was somewhat faded and patched, having been beset upon by moths over the years it had moldered in some dark closet, bought out for one day only, a day of feasting and song.

"Wow, glad we left so much space." Wash said dryly.

"I admit, it's not much, but it means a lot to those we're delivering it to." Mal replied, as River slung the sack down in front of him, nearly falling herself. "We're going to Saint Timothy's."

Zoe was very good at working things out, especially when it came to Mal. As a consequence, she had his headin' before he said the word "Timothy".

"That sounds like a church, and churches support orphanages. Given that this here is a big red bag, I can only assume that their regular Santa got canceled, and one of our ol' war buddies called you up, right? And since you're mean ol' Mal Reynolds, you saw fit to do this job for free, right? And that means one of us is going to dress up in a red suit, right?"

"That's right," Mal admitted.

"It won't be me. Dong ma?"

Wash and Jayne opened their mouths.

"Don't," Zoe said.

Wash and Jayne closed their mouths.

"I'm out," said Kaylee. "None o' me jiggles like a bowl fulla jelly. 'Cept the parts I don't want to."

Jayne opened his mouth.

Mal looked at him.

Jayne closed his mouth.

Inara was out too. River wasn't even an option. Wash was out by virtue of having a big, scary wife. Simon was too skinny, Book couldn't fit the wig on over his hair, and that left Mal and Jayne.

Jayne looked at his captain, then at the bag, then at his captain.

"Flip you?" he whimpered.

* * *

The ride to the orphanage was strangely quiet.

Oh, the usual noises were there, all right, the hum of the repulsors, the whisper of wind in one's ears, the distant howl of coyotes. But none of the usual chat, plans, banter. In fact, none of them were even looking back, and four faces were compressed into rigid lines, as if fighting against some compelling force. And one scowling face.

"Gorramit!" Jayne swore.

Well, almost silent.

Wash pulled them up around the bend from the church.

"Are we all clear on the plan?" Mal asked.

Four confirmations. As Wash shut off the mule, Kaylee, Mal, and Zoe slid off their ride, and Jayne slunk into the bushes, hoping he wouldn't be mistaken for some pervert.

Mal and the other three arrived at the to find that Inara's shuttle had beaten them there. She and Book had been chatting with Sister Mary Sarah. Simon has been giving the kids checkups-they would all turn out to be disgustingly healthy, and River had been playing Jacks.

"Weren't there nine members of your crew?" said Mary Sarah.

"One's catching up later." Mal said smoothly.

"Ah. Let me introduce you to the children."

And so she introduced them to the children. They were all gathered in the living room, wondering why they were here listening to some guy talk about their careers.

"Kids, I'm Captain Mal Reynolds. I have a space ship!" Mal said, and waited.

Someone coughed.

"I want to tell you about the rewarding life of a tramp freighter ca-Wait...do I hear laughter? And bells?" Mal placed an ear to the door theatrically, his eyes wide. All he heard were some dogs barking, but that meant nothing. Jayne could be right quiet when he wanted to be.

"Why Mal," Zoe chimed in. "Could it be..._Santa Claus_?"

"_Santa Clausss!_" the kids yelled as one. The adults waited, expectantly, for Santa to walk in.

Nothing happened.

Mal cleared his throat. "What's that, Zoe? You think it's _Santa_?"

"_Santaaa!_"

Nothing but more dogs barking.

"Yes Mal, I think _Santa_ is on his way!"

"_Santaaa?_"

More barking. And, finally, the sound of running.

Mal and Zoe closed his eyes, like something had pained them. And Santa jumped through the window.

Everyone froze. The ex-Browncoats slowly opened their eyes. Mal leaned over and said quietly to the Sister "We...we can pay for that."

"Well!" said Jayne, rising to his full height, his red outfit slashed and tattered. Between his two-metre height, his booming voice, and the backlighting, he looked primal, something out of a bedtime tale bought horrible and bloodied into their waking moments.

"Who wants to sit on Santa's lap?" he roared.

* * *

Some time later, order was restored. Relatively speaking. Jayne had calmed the kids down, and Book and Mal had managed to board up the window, laughing all the while. Inara was trying to understand something.

"Why the dogs?" she asked.

Sister Mary Sarah's smile withered, "Oh." She wiped the last few tears from her eyes, pinched them between her fingers. "Could you and Captain Reynolds come with me?"

Inara was evaluating the office from the second she walked in. It was sparse, in accordance with the Sister's vows of poverty.

Inara was thankful Companions didn't have to take that one.

A cheap coretex connection, a filing cabinet-wow-a lamp, a bookcase. Bereft of the decoration outside. It was exactly what one would expect, except for the photo on the desk. Gold frame. What was the woman hiding?

Mal grunted, and sat down.

The slightly flustered Mary Sarah slipped behind the desk and sat down. She seemed slightly flustered, speading her hands across the desk, looking not quite at him. Defensive.

"I have to admit, I did not tell the whole truth when I asked your help." she said.

Inara didn't even have to look to know Mal had just tensed. His hand would be straying towards his gun, he'd be sitting forward in his seat-

"There's no need for that, Captain. I only needed you to attend to a little hazard to the children." She sighed. "There's a certain man hanging around the parish, a most disreputable sort. He likes children."

"Nothin' wrong with that."

"Especially ten year-olds."

"Oh."

"I would like you to find him and...disabuse him."

"Oh, is that all?" Mal said mildly. "We're very good at disabusing people."

"Mal's the best," Inara added.

Mal gave her a Look. "I'll be sure to tell my crew to keep an eye out. We can look better later on."

"Later?" said Sister Sarah, raising an eyebrow.

"Jayne Cobb is one of our best." Mal explained. "He's out there right now, tellin' your kids they'd shoot their eye out. Figure it'd mess up the kids' day if we pulled Santa off duty."

"Oh."

Pause.

"Well! Glad that's over with."

Both Mal and Inara started as she quickly bought something up from behind the desk. Sister Sarah's weary smile lit up the room as she raised a pot. "Tea?"

* * *

"I'm surprised you volunteered for this," Inara said.

Mal glanced at her. They were watching Jayne dandle the kids on his knee, and he was far too good at it.

"Lemme tell you a story," Mal said. "There was this man back on Shadow, went around every year collecting for the needy, and then givin' it all to the poorest family in town."

The Companion looked bemused. "And one year, your family was going through tough times, and you scraped together a dollar, and sent it in, and the family was yours? I've heard that one before, Mal."

Mal raised an eyebrow. "Nope. That man was my pa. We had to scrape by with a scraggly turkey every year because he gave all our money." He sighed theatrically. "Still, it taught me about suffering for the good of others. Came in handy, during the war."

Inara blinked. "Oh."

* * *

"Do you remember the last time we did this?" River asked. Kaylee glanced at her, and found Serenity's copilot had allowed her hair to fall over her face as she contemplated the battlefield. The kids had wandered off, and it was just them, on the floor. Laughter could be heard outside, and occasionally a kid would wander through the room.

"Yeah, it was right after-" Kaylee paused. "Oh."

River contemplated the object in her hand, then let the ball fall through space.

* * *

"I just don't see why she wants it right now, y'know?" Wash said, rinsing off a particularly pink plate. "I was kinda reluctant before, but I agreed to it."

"So what's changed?" said Book, reaching for the steel wool.

"We didn't have the Alliance breathing smoke down our gorram rumps before! They're coming for us, and they could just use any kid we have against Zoe n' me and everyone else! I'm not risking the life of me or any of mine just because my wife wants to be a mommy!"

They were both quiet for a few seconds.

"Check on the turkey," Book said.

Wash opened the oven. "Yep. That's a turkey."

Book smiled, and checked himself. "I understand risk was the reason for your previous fight?"

"Right! And then we decided to take the chance, and now look! This is the second time in my life I've been scared to sleep with a woman."

"Well, it stands to reason th-" Book stopped. "Second?"

"The first time involved a Midget, some candles-"

"Nevermind. I was saying it stands to reason that if you were willing to take the risk before, it's not much more of a risk now."

"I almost died, remember? Want to see the scar? As I recall, you nearly met your dear and fluffy Lord too."

"And I thank Him for the help of one Dr. Tam, who postponed our appointments for a little while . But being scared to risk the ones you love doesn't solve anything."

"I guess..."

"Now, hadn't you better see to that smoke?"

* * *

Zoe, meanwhile was discovering she wasn't as cut out for motherhood as she had thought. After taking a baby, she had to get a kid to show her how to hold it, and she had gotten the diaper open before being completely stymied.

Mal had watched, snickering.

"Fine," she said. "_You_ try it."

"Gladly."

And she had watched as Mal proceeded to make a mess of things. He hadn't even remembered to roll up his sleeves.

"How's that cut you got earlier, sir?"

He blinked, then winced. "_Ow_. Thanks for reminding me."

"What do you two think you're ruttin' _doin'_? That's no way to treat a small fry!"

Santa walked in, elbowed Mal aside, then quickly and efficiently changed the baby. He then dawdled her on his hip, until she stopped crying.

"How..." said Zoe, and swallowed. "How do you know so much about handlin' little ones?"

"I got sisters, 'member? They're back home, with Ma. I mentioned them when I got my Hat."

No one liked to talk about the Hat.

Mal, for his part, had a brief, disorienting feeling, like that falling sensation just before one woke up. It was the realization that Jayne Cobb knew more about something than him.

* * *

A short time later, Kaylee and River looked up from their game to see a crown of children following Jayne out the door, cheering.

"Well kids, I'll be back next year, with presents for all the good little girls and boys!"

The girls tried not to laugh.

After handing the child off, Santa left with his empty sack slung over his shoulder. He stashed the sack and pants in the mule, then decided to take a leak. As Santa, now mild-mannered Jayne Cobb, relieved himself, he heard a rustling in the bushes.

No way. No way the freak would-

Without bothering to zip his fly, Jayne advanced until he found a man in shabby clothing, with a fishing hat, his pants at his ankles, one hand holding some binoculars and the other-

Jayne's lip curled.

Perv hadn't hadn't even heard him approach; it was too easy.

Jayne cleared his throat. "Can I help you?"

The freak whirled. He got one confused glimpse of red velvet and white fur and a beard and a Blue Sun t-shirt before Santa Claus laid into him like a hobo on a ham sandwich.

* * *

Mal and Inara sat by the back doorway, watchin' the kids play. Mal wasn't sure how they had gotten there, but he wasn't disagreeable to sitting next to a pretty woman and watchin' the younglings merrymaking.

"'Younglings'? You call them 'younglings'?" said Inara, amused.

"Well, what to you call them?"

"Kids. Children. Youngsters. 'Younglings' sounds like something out of a bad movie."

"Mmm." There was no sting in her words. She was going through the motions, as comfortable, for a spell, as he was.

"Feels nice to have people glad to see us for a change," Mal said.

"And not trying to shoot us."

"Or rape us."

"Or skin and eat us."

There was a pause. The radio buzzed.

"Hello, Jayne." Mal said conversationally.

"Hey, Mal. Kids around?"

Reynolds glanced at the kids nearby. "A few."

"Oh. I found...Tom. I'm just gonna escort him out. Lookin' for some place where the...tin men can see to him."

"I don't think that's necessary," Inara said. "I'm sure a few quiet words will be enough. No need to ruin the kids' day."

Jayne paused and wrinkled his brow. "Nonspecific as to which words?"

"Nonspecific," she agreed.

"Shiny," said Jayne Cobb. And he signed off. As it happened, the pervert never darkened an orphanage window again.

"Well!" said Mal. "That's one way to deal with bad boys." He was in his undershirt under his coat, and leaned back.

"Look," he said. "Snow."

They both looked up at the sky.

They looked up a little farther, then realized they were under the mistletoe.

**THE END**


End file.
